EssayDecember 13, 2021

I Want to Be Hero of Our Age, So How Would I Save the World?

By Rob Smith·December 13, 2021

Reuters did a nationwide poll the other day asking Americans what was worrying them. The most pressing issue for most of you this Christmas season is “what do I get Rob for Christmas?” Aw shucks. I’m flattered, but besides having a different super model fix me supper every night, I want for nothing. I have a roof over my head, plenty of grub in the fridge (leftovers from the meal Gisele prepared) and no current arrest warrants tacked to my front door.

The fact that I have no material wants got me to thinking. What is it that I really want in life? If you bought me an $80,000 Range Rover, I’d have to pay the taxes and insurance on it. Besides, I already have a car. I make Silas Marner look like a spendthrift. I literally have duct tape holding my wallet together. I have 2 or 3 new wallets people have given me for Christmas over the past decade in my dresser drawers, but I haven’t used this one up yet. I’ve always wanted one of those Scottish plaid sports jackets like Otter wore in Animal House, but I’ve looked all over, and they don’t make them anymore. Y’all could wire me some money for my retirement, but I don’t ever plan on retiring. I can’t really think of anything I want.

Naturally, I want my family to live happy and fulfilling lives and enjoy good physical and mental health. Hell, I want this for everybody. So when I started thinking about what I REALLY want, my ego kicked in. I want to be the hero of our age and save the world, and of course to be recognized for such over the next millennium. I want to be remembered for saving the Republic. Kind of like George Washington. Being so demure and modest, I don’t need all the accolades that George got. No need to rename Washington DC or dozens of towns and counties after me. A few hundred statues of me sprinkled in various court house squares across our fruited plain is all I really need.

So how would I save the Republic?

Well, I could do what Sulla attempted in the waning days of the Roman Republic, become a dictator and just take over. I would fix things and then retire to my country estate and have my harem drop grapes in my mouth while lounging in my Armani toga. However, that’s a lot of work and would take 10 years to get to the grape dropping toga part. Besides I’m not really in the mood for a civil war; it’s Christmastime. Since the pen is mightier than the sword, I thought I would simply write the Book of Rob, which would be a blueprint on solving all the problems plaguing the United States and the world. It would motivate folks to get off their ass and do as I recommend, just like Thomas Paine’s Common Sense. This gets the job done with much less loss of life. So if you want to give me (and the world) a Christmas present, agree to finance the publication of my book. All I need is a big fat advance. You will make plenty of money and western civilization will survive. You get a twofer, and I do all the work. Opportunities like this don’t come along every day.

My book will certainly be a best seller, and I expect it to have a shelf life as long as the Epic of Gilgamesh. In the year 6021, everyone will still have a copy on their bookshelves and the deep thinkers of the day will still be saying “that Rob Smith sure was a smart fella, I bet he had a harem dropping grapes in his mouth”

Now, you are probably wondering, what’s going to be in this classic work that will guide civilization for centuries in the future? I will hit the big political, economic, theological and cultural issues. As spoken by the Sage of Monticello, “the government is best which governs least” will be the underlying theme. You will learn why and how we can abolish the Federal Reserve and the Department of Education. I will pinpoint how federal government spending can be reduced by 25% in real terms and what makes for a stable monetary policy. By making politicians personally at risk for their fiscal follies, I will illustrate how reckless spending can be slowed to a trickle. No one can vote without paying a head tax; sorry loafers, but everyone needs to have skin in the game. Our current tax system favors spending instead of giving incentives for savings and investment that enhance living standards for all. Enhanced productivity in the US lifts the entire world’s living standards. Learn how we can get rid of the FICA tax, how Social Security can be eliminated and how this will make us all better off.

I will tell you how to eliminate the deep state and reform the civil service system. Learn why there should be no paid holidays for federal workers. Hint: if you can afford to take a day off, take the day off, if not stay at work. Activist judges are nothing more than domestic terrorists ignoring their responsibilities to the law in favor of their own prejudices; I will fix this. Fiscally, the biggest elephant in the room is the “continuing resolution,” where Congress passes multi-trillion-dollar pieces of legislation without even knowing what’s in (much less reading) the legislation. I will tell you how to end this practice. I will eliminate the employee tax deduction for health insurance. If you can put a stethoscope around your neck, you will be able to sell medical services. Government red tape drives up health care costs. If people can figure out how to cut the cable cord and still get all of their tv shows, they are smart enough to do the same with their medical needs. The government will not fund higher education or dole out student loans. The crime epidemic will be solved via a well-armed citizenry having the right to protect their property and put down civil insurrections and riots. The most fun element of my anti-crime initiative is bringing back the public stockades. Think how much fun it will be to throw rotten fruit at lying, cheating and corrupt politicians!

The book will be chock full of practical solutions to get our country back on track, but none of these solutions will come to fruition without a cultural change that can only be brought about through something akin to a Great Awakening like ones we have experienced in the past. By any standards of the past, our country is incredibly rich. We have reached a zenith of prosperity, comfort and luxury that no one could have even imagined a generation ago. Unfortunately, this enhanced standard of living has given the perpetually discontented time to reflect on what others have, instead of recognizing that they themselves have “more” than any previous generation in history. More liberty, more security, more comfort, more medical care, more education and more opportunities to find happiness. Our “fallen” human nature often leads us to jealousy and class hatred, i. e., the “woke” cultural Marxism we see tearing our country apart. We all know that certain cultures are not capable of exercising democratic responsibilities. The reverse is also true, democratic countries that slide into the green goo of moral abyss lose their ability to function in a democratic and lawful manner.

Our Founding Fathers knew that keeping a secure, prosperous and free self-governing nation was no easy task and recognized that there was only one source that could weigh against the imperfections of our character which are often fueled by darkness:

"We have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion . . . Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other." John Adams.

"Religion and morality are the essential pillars of civil society."George Washington

"[O]nly a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." Ben Franklin.

I have always wondered, did God smote those people in the Old Testament because they disobeyed Him or did their disobedience to objective standards of morality cause them to self-destruct? The Book of Rob will address this issue and more. Who is more enlightened to comment on theological issues than a woeful sinner such as myself? The Book of Rob will unlock all the mysteries of the universe, connect us all to the Cosmos and reveal wonders beyond all human comprehension.

Remember in It’s A Wonderful Life when Clarence told George that he was helping George by allowing George to help him? This is the same thing! You help me by writing me a big fat advance check and I write the treatise of all treatises, the Book of Rob which saves the world and allows America to continue to prosper. Think how happy and filled with the Christmas spirit you will be when that check clears! You can tell your grandchildren, “when the commie barbarians were at the Gate, I wrote a big check to Rob Smith and saved the world!

I realize this is a selfless act on my part, but I too am filled with the Christmas spirit. So please call my lawyer at Steele, Cheatum and Fleecem for wiring instructions.

First published at realclearmarkets.com.