If I Were CEO of Starbucks, I Would Fire the Strikers

Dear Starbucks Employees,

I saw the sign on my neighborhood Starbucks’ front door announcing that you are on strike.

The way to get ahead in life is not to sabotage the hand that feeds you. You work in a climate-controlled building, have an easy job, and receive the highest pay and best benefits in your industry. For God’s sake, your job is pouring coffee. How tough can it be?

Here’s a tip if you ever want to move out of your parents’ basement: outwork, outthink, and outhustle everyone, and show your superiors the value you bring. Collectivism is Loserville. Individualism, merit, and drive will take you anywhere in the world you want to go. In life, you are not entitled to anything. Everything must be earned. Nobody likes a crybaby. Nobody wants to hire a crybaby. Nobody wants to contract with a crybaby. Weakness never sells.

At thirteen, I started out in marine construction, driving creosote pilings in the Rappahannock River. There were 6 a.m. to 11 p.m. days in 103-degree heat. The creosote would literally burn the skin off your arms and face. To me, that burnt skin was a badge of honor—proof that I could do a man’s work without whining. You build muscles, you build a work ethic, and you gain a tolerance for hard labor, not to mention a reputation as a dependable worker and team player. You get educated in the ways of the world. It’s a far better education than the Global Indigenous Queerness degree that left you with $80,000 in student loans.

All work—even ditch digging—is noble. It creates virtue and self-reliance, fostering a contentment of spirit far more valuable than a paycheck. The lessons and healthy habits one learns in a “lesser” job are the same skills a CEO of a Fortune 500 company must have. Quit whining. Do your job and do it well, and you will develop the grit and competence to keep climbing the ladder of life.

If I were the CEO of Starbucks, I would fire every one of you who walked off the job. My duty to shareholders would require it, but I would also take satisfaction in knowing I was doing you a favor. Often the best lessons in life come from facing the consequences of bad decisions. Plenty of people would love to have your job. Using coercion to hurt your employer shows your true colors. Causing your employer to lose money is no different from destroying or burning his property. Once you lose your job, who do you think will hire you? No employer is looking to hire purple-haired, pudgy workers with four nose rings and a pentagram tattoo on their forehead.

Heed my words: get back to work—and please don’t poison my coffee the next time I walk into your store.